Talking to Tiger

When it's late at night and Master can't sleep, he escapes to his private office in the residence. There, sitting with his feet up on the desk, he calls his friends. I like to follow Master when he moves around at night, so I spend a lot of time in his upstairs office. Those are nice quiet times when I get to sit next to him and force him to rub behind my ears. It was another restless evening for Master last night. We camped out in his office from 1 to 3 a.m. That's when he started calling his friends. One of them was Tiger Woods. They've formed a nice relationship over the years. Tiger's been to the White House before. They talk frequently. Ever since Tiger's Thanksgiving car accident and subsequent infidelity revelations, they tend to talk even more often. I can't tell what they talk about. Usually, Master just listens, occasionally saying things like, "I understand" and "Well, that's good thinking." Last night was one of those times, too. Master was looking at a website that showed some of Tiger's alleged texts to one of his mistresses. That spurred Master to call him. "I read some of those text messages you supposedly sent, Tiger," said Master into the phone. "Did you really tell her that you wanted to spank and slap her around? Good grief." I didn't hear Tiger's response, but he talked for a long a time. Then Master said, "Listen, Tiger, if there's anyone who understands the fishbowl you're in, it's me. I know you can work it out. I hope you do, and that you get back to golf as soon as possible. Believe me, a victory at the Masters and this will all blow over. Then, come on over here to see me again. Well, let me think about that." Master hung up the phone and gave me a high five.

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Walking with Master and Mom

Master and Mom took me for a walk last night. It was late at night, but Master wanted some fresh air. So he and Mom bundled up, fetched my leash and walked the South Lawn with me. It was a pleasant evening, really, and I enjoyed it very much. I don't often get quality time with them at the same time. That's why it was so special. I ran around and marked my favorite trees and bushes, but mostly stayed next to them as they walked arm in arm. Mom asked Master about the latest on health care and how many Democrats have come to "our side." Master shoved his hands in his pockets and shrugged. "Not enough," he said, then added, "But we'll get there." Mom told Master about the success she's having spreading the word about childhood obesity. I spied a slug on the side of a tree and gobbled it up. It tasted squishy and bitter. Master said to Mom, "Do you think it was going to be this way?" She patted his arm and said, "I didn't know what to think. It was your idea, anyway. Yes, I gave my blessing. But it's what you wanted. Not me." Master sneezed. "Listen, I know that," he said. "I just wish it were more fun." (Official White House Photo by Chuck Kennedy)

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Fox and Gopher

Tonight Master will appear on Special Report with Brett Baier. That's a show on a TV network called Fox. This is a big deal as I understand it, because Fox is one of those media outlets that don't give Master a lot of respect. I'm not sure why that is. But I guess all humans can't love each other. I can understand that, because I don't like all animals. Squirrels make me mad. Groundhogs snap at me. Birds fly away when I get close to them. Master going on Fox is like going into the lion's den, or so I've overheard. Master has been practicing for the interview. This morning in the Big Round Room, Robert Gibbs was throwing questions at Master. Here are the questions Master is prepared to answer:

• Every poll says Americans don't support the health care reform bill in front of Congress. Why are you pushing it?
• Some people say that passing the health reform bill will be suicide for many Democrats. Why should they vote in favor of a bill that will result in them losing reelection?
• Most Americans are critical of the special deals cut with individual states in order to speed passage of the health reform bill. Do you think that's fair?
• Why is your administration so critical of Israel when it's our only true friend in the Middle East? Are you determined to sacrifice every Jewish vote in the next election?

During the Big Round Room practice sessions, Mr. Gibbs instructed Master to start every answer with the word "listen," and then to say, "We need to get this done." I'm going to try that tactic with the gophers on the South Lawn. "Listen, we need to get this done . . . now come over here so I can bite your head off." Grrrr....

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Hack the Bracket

For a change, talk in the White House hasn't been about health care. Yesterday, all anyone wanted to talk about was the NCAA men's basketball tournament. Last year Master picked North Carolina and that worked out pretty well, unlike most everything else the past year. I don't know which team Master's going to pick this year, but he has a lot of sentimental favorites. His mom was born in Wichita, so he could very well back Kansas. Master was very happy that the Kentucky team helped him raise money for Haiti, so that means a lot. Master's just-in-case human, Joe Biden, went to Syracuse, but I'm guessing that works against Master picking them. As far as Duke goes, one of Master's helpers, Reggie Love, played there . . . that could work against them as well. So which team will get Master's nod? I'm favoring Georgetown because their mascot is a personal canine friend of mine from just down the street. Grrr....

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The Diagram Under Master's Desk

It was a crazy weekend here at the White House. There were lots of meetings in the Big Round Room about health care insurance. Most of the conversations were about whether or not Master and his friends should push for reconciliation in the Senate. They kept talking about an "up or down" vote. It's complicated. I don't understand it very well. But I found this piece of paper under Master's desk that I think explains a lot regarding the consequences of reconciliation. I'm a dog. I may not be as smart as Master or his his fellow humans. CLICK HERE to see the diagram I found. Can you explain it to me? Grrr...

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Seek the Week

I like Saturdays. It helps me put the week in perspective. Here's a look at the last five days, which are already history.

• Monday: What's inside David Axelrod's refrigerator?
• Tuesday: Watching the Oscars.
• Wednesday: Master smokes electronic cigarettes.
• Thursday: What's wrong with being naked?
• Friday: My first haiku from the White House!

I'm going to curl up in Master's Big Round Room this weekend for some quality napping. See you Monday! Grrr.... (Official White House Photo by Pete Souza)

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A Good Day for Haiku

Master with head down
Walks in snow away from world
Hoping for health care

(Official White House Photo by Chuck Kennedy)

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Naked Humans

What's all the hullabaloo about Rahm Emanuel, Master's chief of staff, running around naked? Really, what's the big deal? It's all anyone is talking about here in the White House. I see people scurrying about and staying out of Rahmbo's way and making crude jokes on the side. But no one is laughing much, I can tell you that. And the people who are usually very friendly to me aren't paying me much attention. But I honestly don't understand why humans care if Rahmbo has been seen naked now and then. Look at me. I'm naked all the time. Totally bare. Resplendent in my nudity. But does anyone care? Of course not. It's natural. I'm not ashamed of my body, so why are humans? If Rahmbo came up to me naked I wouldn't care. Actually, it would be nice, because then I'd get to give him a really solid sniff and wouldn't have to wade through various fabric and laundry scents. I think humans look perfectly fine without clothes. I've seen master nude plenty of times.

Cigarettes

Yesterday I mentioned that Master was smoking one of those NJOY electronic cigarettes. True. He caught a lot of heat last week when his doctor scolded him for smoking those tobacco cigarettes. I really didn't mind them. I enjoyed when Master would sneak one and light up in the Big Round Room. They gave off an enjoyable pungent smell, and I liked watching the curls of smoke rise to the ceiling. His coughing never bothered me, either. But Mom doesn't like it, so that's the end of that story. That's why Master has been using those NJOY sticks, and he's been having a good time with them, pulling them out in front of people and puffing away. Master likes seeing the expression on his helpers' faces when he blows vapor mist at them. Master's really a prankster sometimes. Not like Rahmbo, of course. You won't find master running around naked yelling at congressmen . . . unless he doesn't get health care reform. Grrr . . . .

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Little Golden Human Statues

I relaxed with the family over the weekend as they watched a show called the Academy Awards©. It took place somewhere called Hollywood, but I didn’t understand it. Mostly, all it seemed was an endless line of humans who walked on stage, opened envelopes and gave out little human statues. What are those bone-sized golden human replicas? Do they come alive and perform house cleaning functions? Master, Mom and the kids were rooting for something called Avatar, but they seemed pretty disappointed by the time the long evening was over. Something called The Hurt Locker kept beating Avatar. Master was so upset that he wanted to smoke a cigarette. Mom wouldn’t let him, though. Instead, he used one of his new NJOY electronic cigarettes. It’s a smoking alternative that he’s been using since his doctors lectured him last week. Master seems to like NJOY, but he keeps trying to drop ashes that don’t exist. He smells better, too.

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